‘A fierce doubt, an echo from childhood, a fear, a deep despair, a sense of abandonment, a loneliness, an uncomfortable energy you thought you’d already freed yourself from has returned. This is accompanied by tightness in the chest, a contracted feeling in the gut, a tension in the throat. Yesterday’s clarity, yesterday’s joy, yesterday’s bliss, yesterday’s self-acceptance seems so far away now’
Jeff Foster
The words above resonated strongly with me at a time when my old feelings of anxiety came creeping back a short while ago. I was convinced that I’d ‘conquered’ these feelings, so when I experienced that familiar tightness in my chest not only did I feel anxious, I also felt despair on top of it because I believed feeling like this meant I hadn’t made any progress at all. I also believed I hadn’t learned anything through all my inner work and that these feelings would stick around and make my life miserable…..again!
Many of us have done a lot of work on ourselves and we think this means we shouldn’t ever feel uncomfortable. But this is precisely the problem, when uncomfortable thoughts and feelings come up (which they always will because we are human), we tend to freak out and use all of our energy trying to make them go away. We tend to believe that pushing the so-called negative feelings away will bring back our sense of peace and we’ll feel happy again…..but it doesn’t quite work like that.
In needing our thoughts, feelings or experiences to be different than they are, we are instantly setting up resistance, making ourselves wrong, not good enough or somehow broken and unhealed. None of this is true, as no matter how much work we do on ourselves thoughts and feelings that we like as well as ones we don’t like will come and go. This is just part of the human experience, it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with us or how we’re feeling right now.
So, how do we bring kindness and a sense of acceptance to our experience? Here are some suggestions:
1. Understand that the resistance is what keeps these feelings firmly in place
When we freak out about thoughts and feelings we don’t like, they usually become more persistent and demand even more attention. Knowing this can help us to be more gentle and accepting of our experience just as it is.
2. Welcome in whatever is calling for your attention
When we simply notice things that we don’t like rather than resisting, we can allow the feelings that hurt and the thoughts that make us squirm. Start by placing your hand on the part of our body that is feeling the uncomfortable emotion (for example over your heart, on your belly or your throat) and tell yourself that it’s okay to feel like this way, then allow the feelings and sensations to be as they are.
3. Speak to yourself the way you would to a dear friend who was struggling
What would you say to a friend or a child who was feeling the way you were in this moment? I doubt that you would tell them that they were silly or that they shouldn’t be feeling this way. Actually say the words you would imagine saying to someone else who was in pain. This might be ‘sweetheart it’s okay, this is just the way we feel sometimes’ or ‘it’s alright, it doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong, it’s okay to feel the way you feel’. Repeat these as often as you need to throughout the day.
4. Get out in nature
Being outside and in nature has a number of positive effects on the mind and body. In his book Forest Bathing, Dr Qing Li explains that being in nature can help restore our mood, give us back our energy and vitality and can also ease stress and worry.
5. Acupressure and kindness
Gently press your fingers under your collarbone on both sides. This acupressure point is also known as the ‘letting go’ point and can help to release emotions that cause pain. While holding this point you can say some of the words above to yourself and imagine letting go of the struggle with how you feel.
Next time you find yourself experiencing feelings and thoughts that you don’t like give some of these suggestions a go. I would love to hear how they work for you.
